The Squash Inter-Faculty Games (IFGs) are right around the corner and I am not prepared a bit. I decided not to partake in any co-curriculars when I signed up for the current semester but then I figured I needed exercise and signed up for the IFGs.
Our first fixture is against the Engineering faculty (I am representing Arts), and our teams are such that a friend who plays better squash than me didn't get selected for the Engineering IFG team. I suppose that spells trouble for me!
What's more is that the fixture falls on 09/09/09, which just happens to be my special day of the year. But before you cry me a river over this 'massive' tragedy, let me tell you that I have NO intentions of celebrating this time around. I am old. Really old. Not in terms of my mindset, of course. But if you plot a graph of achievements versus age, this is as bad as it gets. At least, I have decided that will be the case. 26 is a giant number I think. It rounds off to 30. (It's not like 25, because even though contemporary Mathematics tells us 25 rounds off to 30, it can be argued that 25 can be rounded off to 20 with as much logic.) So, yes, 26 is scary.
I have decided to remove my birthday from my Facebook profile. Each year I get 50-100 wishes and a lot of them are from people who would never have wished me if it wasn't for Facebook. More importantly, some people I care for don't wish me because of all the clutter, perhaps.
Call me a hypocrite for having double standards, because, yes, I do wish people I would never wish if I hadn't seen their birthday on Facebook. I'm a hypocrite. But here I am trying to cut out unnecessary people from my life. I have 1,350 friends on Facebook, and I admit, at least 20% of them are not really friends. Perhaps people I met once or just spoke to once at some chance meeting. For the rest, this could be a 'great' test of friendship. All my old friends know I've been howling about 2009 as the year when my birthday would fall on 999. Sad how I never realised I would be turning 26 then!
A recent episode taught me a lot. As usual, because of my unique position, I was involved in a project with a bunch of people much younger than I. Some issues arose and in my efforts of ending the conflict, I got singled out, with both parties cutting me out (partially, if not completely). Perhaps I am old but not wise. Perhaps it would be wiser to let go of my prophecy that "lack of communication and miscommunication are the root of all problems in every relationship". Since - and this was my greatest learning - some people JUST DON'T WANT TO resolve differences. At least that explains Palestine and Kashmir.
And I HATE IT when people pretend to be okay when they're not. It's misleading. It's miscommunication! You're not helping!
Note to self: Stop using exclamation points like that. You're gonna be 26 in a few days. Act your age. Also, this better be the only note you have ever written to yourself.
999 Trivia:
Our first fixture is against the Engineering faculty (I am representing Arts), and our teams are such that a friend who plays better squash than me didn't get selected for the Engineering IFG team. I suppose that spells trouble for me!
What's more is that the fixture falls on 09/09/09, which just happens to be my special day of the year. But before you cry me a river over this 'massive' tragedy, let me tell you that I have NO intentions of celebrating this time around. I am old. Really old. Not in terms of my mindset, of course. But if you plot a graph of achievements versus age, this is as bad as it gets. At least, I have decided that will be the case. 26 is a giant number I think. It rounds off to 30. (It's not like 25, because even though contemporary Mathematics tells us 25 rounds off to 30, it can be argued that 25 can be rounded off to 20 with as much logic.) So, yes, 26 is scary.
I have decided to remove my birthday from my Facebook profile. Each year I get 50-100 wishes and a lot of them are from people who would never have wished me if it wasn't for Facebook. More importantly, some people I care for don't wish me because of all the clutter, perhaps.
Call me a hypocrite for having double standards, because, yes, I do wish people I would never wish if I hadn't seen their birthday on Facebook. I'm a hypocrite. But here I am trying to cut out unnecessary people from my life. I have 1,350 friends on Facebook, and I admit, at least 20% of them are not really friends. Perhaps people I met once or just spoke to once at some chance meeting. For the rest, this could be a 'great' test of friendship. All my old friends know I've been howling about 2009 as the year when my birthday would fall on 999. Sad how I never realised I would be turning 26 then!
A recent episode taught me a lot. As usual, because of my unique position, I was involved in a project with a bunch of people much younger than I. Some issues arose and in my efforts of ending the conflict, I got singled out, with both parties cutting me out (partially, if not completely). Perhaps I am old but not wise. Perhaps it would be wiser to let go of my prophecy that "lack of communication and miscommunication are the root of all problems in every relationship". Since - and this was my greatest learning - some people JUST DON'T WANT TO resolve differences. At least that explains Palestine and Kashmir.
And I HATE IT when people pretend to be okay when they're not. It's misleading. It's miscommunication! You're not helping!
Note to self: Stop using exclamation points like that. You're gonna be 26 in a few days. Act your age. Also, this better be the only note you have ever written to yourself.
999 Trivia:
- September 9, 2009, could be a Beatles perfect storm | Digital Media | CNET News
- September 9 is the 252nd day of the year, 252 adds to 9, 09-09-09 = 27= 9, 09-09-09 is the last of the single digits dates for quite a while. 1001 years to be precise, (it is also the upside-down number of the beast, of course).
- How to Get Ready for 09/09/09
- How to Interpret 09/09/09
Labels: 999, Complications, Rants, Yawping
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck in this limbo land now where everything and nothing make sense. Where rationality and idealism merge and diverge at the same time. Where life holds meaning and becomes senseless. Where oblique is parallel and delusions create multiple paradoxes.
After reading Mellumoley's "emo" blog posts early in the morning today, a Wednesday (which my kid sisters would point out is pronounced "when's day") began. But it feels more like a Monday to me - with the gloomy and "emo" thoughts running through my head.
The mother and kid sisters who arrived two-days-short-of-a-month ago would have left the island in another two hours. They brought amazing memories with them and gave me new ones that I shall cherish for a long time. The best parts in these fun-filled yet hectic (because I was interning 9-6) days were those deep and meaningful conversations I got to have with each and everyone. And of course, the snorkeling at Tioman!
The first one was with the mother. From midnight till dawn we discussed relationships, life, marriage, religion and personal beliefs and motivations. Somehow I was able to convey to her who I was, what I was set to become, how I wanted to live my life and how I don't need to put up a pretentious display of what I am to anyone. I also took this chance to explain to her how I needed her to understand why that fateful one meant so much to me and why it had been a rough ride letting her go, in order for her to understand me. I told her about the things I learnt from the other one, and how pre-marital relationships are meaningless without the sanctity of marriage. I discussed a lot of things. And I told her how I will always place my family's happiness over mine, and that it would remain my priority - even if that meant never marrying - since there is no woman out there who is cut-out for me - in any aspect (except the fateful one).
Then she left for Los Angelos and I got to spend every evening with my kid sisters, who had obviously grown in these two years I hadn't seen them. They have lived a somewhat confused life and I share their confusion - being stuck in the middle - not knowing if stepping on one side will be an aggressive move towards the other. The heart-to-heart with them was indeed earnest and heartfelt. Most of all, I hope they will find a confidant in me as they go through teenhood - the most troubled phase in everyone's life.
Meanwhile, the other one - the confused one - the confusing one - she talks of "friends with benefits" and relationships that don't end in marriage. I named them "short-term relationships" - assorting them somewhere close to one-night stands. Here, she speaks to a person who has trouble accepting the idea of pre-marital relationships because he thinks they're pointless in the first place and self-sabotaging by their very nature. (When you accept something as a 'trial', you can either treat it as the real thing, or you can treat it as something that is just temporary - in the latter case you hardly ever take it seriously. If you treat it as the real thing, there has to be at least a possibility where the temporary thing could become the real thing; otherwise it is completely pointless. And ridiculous.)
There was no possibility with the fateful one without consideration for elopement. That is why it ended so abruptly. The mother had made her refusal for acceptance sparkling clear, and the only possibility existed in fleeing as a possibility. The possibility for a possibility was the only factor that could eradicate the pointlessness. Upon her return from Los Angelos, however, the mother had a renewed mind. She was ready to accept. For my happiness, she said.
That changes everything.
But the fateful one still holds a grudge against the existence of the other one. She still avoids talking about 'us'. And the fateful one has painfully decided to move on it seems, asking "maybe it's best to just wait and see".
My argument: We're meant to lose the people we love. How else are we supposed to know how important they are?
And she has also developed a new trait: making demands. Now this becomes more like a business transaction.
I lost you; I lost myself. I tried to replace you; I replaced myself. I don't know who I am, where I am and what I'm doing any more. Save me; save yourself?
We need to have a long conversation. But I'm broke and you have no credit. O' atm! Thou art a heartless bitch.
I'm stuck in this limbo land now where everything and nothing make sense. Where rationality and idealism merge and diverge at the same time. Where life holds meaning and becomes senseless. Where oblique is parallel and delusions create multiple paradoxes.
After reading Mellumoley's "emo" blog posts early in the morning today, a Wednesday (which my kid sisters would point out is pronounced "when's day") began. But it feels more like a Monday to me - with the gloomy and "emo" thoughts running through my head.
The mother and kid sisters who arrived two-days-short-of-a-month ago would have left the island in another two hours. They brought amazing memories with them and gave me new ones that I shall cherish for a long time. The best parts in these fun-filled yet hectic (because I was interning 9-6) days were those deep and meaningful conversations I got to have with each and everyone. And of course, the snorkeling at Tioman!
The first one was with the mother. From midnight till dawn we discussed relationships, life, marriage, religion and personal beliefs and motivations. Somehow I was able to convey to her who I was, what I was set to become, how I wanted to live my life and how I don't need to put up a pretentious display of what I am to anyone. I also took this chance to explain to her how I needed her to understand why that fateful one meant so much to me and why it had been a rough ride letting her go, in order for her to understand me. I told her about the things I learnt from the other one, and how pre-marital relationships are meaningless without the sanctity of marriage. I discussed a lot of things. And I told her how I will always place my family's happiness over mine, and that it would remain my priority - even if that meant never marrying - since there is no woman out there who is cut-out for me - in any aspect (except the fateful one).
Then she left for Los Angelos and I got to spend every evening with my kid sisters, who had obviously grown in these two years I hadn't seen them. They have lived a somewhat confused life and I share their confusion - being stuck in the middle - not knowing if stepping on one side will be an aggressive move towards the other. The heart-to-heart with them was indeed earnest and heartfelt. Most of all, I hope they will find a confidant in me as they go through teenhood - the most troubled phase in everyone's life.
Meanwhile, the other one - the confused one - the confusing one - she talks of "friends with benefits" and relationships that don't end in marriage. I named them "short-term relationships" - assorting them somewhere close to one-night stands. Here, she speaks to a person who has trouble accepting the idea of pre-marital relationships because he thinks they're pointless in the first place and self-sabotaging by their very nature. (When you accept something as a 'trial', you can either treat it as the real thing, or you can treat it as something that is just temporary - in the latter case you hardly ever take it seriously. If you treat it as the real thing, there has to be at least a possibility where the temporary thing could become the real thing; otherwise it is completely pointless. And ridiculous.)
There was no possibility with the fateful one without consideration for elopement. That is why it ended so abruptly. The mother had made her refusal for acceptance sparkling clear, and the only possibility existed in fleeing as a possibility. The possibility for a possibility was the only factor that could eradicate the pointlessness. Upon her return from Los Angelos, however, the mother had a renewed mind. She was ready to accept. For my happiness, she said.
That changes everything.
But the fateful one still holds a grudge against the existence of the other one. She still avoids talking about 'us'. And the fateful one has painfully decided to move on it seems, asking "maybe it's best to just wait and see".
My argument: We're meant to lose the people we love. How else are we supposed to know how important they are?
And she has also developed a new trait: making demands. Now this becomes more like a business transaction.
I lost you; I lost myself. I tried to replace you; I replaced myself. I don't know who I am, where I am and what I'm doing any more. Save me; save yourself?
We need to have a long conversation. But I'm broke and you have no credit. O' atm! Thou art a heartless bitch.
Labels: Complications, Rants
I've decided to change my name to Confucious. I feel it reflects the state I am in almost all the time - a state of confusion.
I'm confused about religion, family, love, friends, career, and studies, top-down. I don't know who to trust when I can't trust myself. Can you trust God without trusting yourself? Don't you have to believe in yourself before you can believe in other things, such as religion? Is it necessary to follow in your parents' footsteps? God may be all knowing, but how do you decide which side to take in any given conflict - He doesn't provide any answers. What are ethics and who has the right idea about them?
Life is confusion galore for me.
Recent news and events have made me numb. No, I'm not talking about world events, numbifying as they may be. I've lost respect for most of humanity. They're all treacherous, selfish and self-involved, caring as they may appear to be. Outward appearances deceive as usual. Like a friend said, at the end of the day, you come into this world alone and you go alone. So what's the rush? Why is everyone so eagerly chasing after life? Materialism doesn't appeal to me. I don't see the value in doing anything for yourself - there's more joy in doing things for others. But others don't think so.
I'm listening to Savage Garden these days. I remember listening to them 24/7 in 2001 while I prepared for my O level examinations. I found their songs highly inspiring after that fateful person introduced them to me. Now I look for the same inspiration I had then. What was my motivation then?
I can't think of one personal reason for my motivation then. Having failed Matric, and that too because my paper was swapped with someone who was willing to pay the Lahore Board to get a higher score, I was out to prove myself primarily to my stepfather, but also to the rest of the family that thought I was a failure. I wanted to prove that I was indeed intelligent and smart, and out to make something for myself in life. That I was not just gonna take over my father's/stepfather's business when I grew older. Little did I know then that you never do anything for yourself.
I was also motivated because of the immense freedom and independence I got at that age. The exposure that got me my street skills and my smoking habit. And then of course, I had the usual motivation - to get a degree or two, starting minting money, get a family, get laid, and have kids. With that one fateful person.
I remember fully believing in God then as well. I used to pray often - sometimes even saying prayers that were not mandatory. I used to fast every Ramadan without skipping a single day. Whenever I reached one of my lows, all I had to do was pick up a prayer mat and talk to God. It's been a while since I did that.
What is my motivation now? The fateful one likes another. I still believe in God, but not fully, to say the least - I am searching for the truth in this confused state-of-mind. I don't want to follow religion if it is just a brainwashing tool to have control over the masses. The family system has failed itself for me to have the desire to follow and base my life on it.
In fact, there is no system that makes sense to me now. The dual income model means leaving your kids' upbringing to the society you live in and the media. The housewife model means a relatively illiterate person mothering my kids, laying their future on the line (it also means not having a partner who will understand everything you say or care about). Single-parenting is a definite no-no for me as well. A Western style to me only means a possible divorce and dissection of children. An Islamic one means having to change a lot of things about myself that I am not keen for, at least at this point in time - but of course that depends on my partner.
So what am I living for? Certainly, I doubt the possibility of hell-fire or heaven. It doesn't make sense for people who are kinder than myself to go to hell just because they were born into another religion, which was not their own choice to begin with. Love? I don't think I need to mention that fateful one again. Another one? But it will take ages to find the person who I can connect with on the same wavelength. I do have a story to share with the world, so maybe I want to write and be published. But it's a self-effacing motivation. It is also materialistic. To live for my family? But my family doesn't exactly resemble a 'family' per se; and there are things that I'd rather not even think about - that have put me off.
In an atheist's world, it doesn't make sense to commit suicide because you waste the one life you have to live. In monotheistic religions, it doesn't make sense to commit suicide because you reject what God has given you, hence taking you straight to hell. My question is directed at the atheist who is a massive failure, and his life has been a series of misfortunes - one after the other: isn't killing yourself a short cut out of this world?
People argue if committing suicide is bravery or cowardliness. I think it's a little of both. But to me it's still not the right answer. So go ahead, and call me Confucious from now on.
I'm confused about religion, family, love, friends, career, and studies, top-down. I don't know who to trust when I can't trust myself. Can you trust God without trusting yourself? Don't you have to believe in yourself before you can believe in other things, such as religion? Is it necessary to follow in your parents' footsteps? God may be all knowing, but how do you decide which side to take in any given conflict - He doesn't provide any answers. What are ethics and who has the right idea about them?
Life is confusion galore for me.
Recent news and events have made me numb. No, I'm not talking about world events, numbifying as they may be. I've lost respect for most of humanity. They're all treacherous, selfish and self-involved, caring as they may appear to be. Outward appearances deceive as usual. Like a friend said, at the end of the day, you come into this world alone and you go alone. So what's the rush? Why is everyone so eagerly chasing after life? Materialism doesn't appeal to me. I don't see the value in doing anything for yourself - there's more joy in doing things for others. But others don't think so.
I'm listening to Savage Garden these days. I remember listening to them 24/7 in 2001 while I prepared for my O level examinations. I found their songs highly inspiring after that fateful person introduced them to me. Now I look for the same inspiration I had then. What was my motivation then?
I can't think of one personal reason for my motivation then. Having failed Matric, and that too because my paper was swapped with someone who was willing to pay the Lahore Board to get a higher score, I was out to prove myself primarily to my stepfather, but also to the rest of the family that thought I was a failure. I wanted to prove that I was indeed intelligent and smart, and out to make something for myself in life. That I was not just gonna take over my father's/stepfather's business when I grew older. Little did I know then that you never do anything for yourself.
I was also motivated because of the immense freedom and independence I got at that age. The exposure that got me my street skills and my smoking habit. And then of course, I had the usual motivation - to get a degree or two, starting minting money, get a family, get laid, and have kids. With that one fateful person.
I remember fully believing in God then as well. I used to pray often - sometimes even saying prayers that were not mandatory. I used to fast every Ramadan without skipping a single day. Whenever I reached one of my lows, all I had to do was pick up a prayer mat and talk to God. It's been a while since I did that.
What is my motivation now? The fateful one likes another. I still believe in God, but not fully, to say the least - I am searching for the truth in this confused state-of-mind. I don't want to follow religion if it is just a brainwashing tool to have control over the masses. The family system has failed itself for me to have the desire to follow and base my life on it.
In fact, there is no system that makes sense to me now. The dual income model means leaving your kids' upbringing to the society you live in and the media. The housewife model means a relatively illiterate person mothering my kids, laying their future on the line (it also means not having a partner who will understand everything you say or care about). Single-parenting is a definite no-no for me as well. A Western style to me only means a possible divorce and dissection of children. An Islamic one means having to change a lot of things about myself that I am not keen for, at least at this point in time - but of course that depends on my partner.
So what am I living for? Certainly, I doubt the possibility of hell-fire or heaven. It doesn't make sense for people who are kinder than myself to go to hell just because they were born into another religion, which was not their own choice to begin with. Love? I don't think I need to mention that fateful one again. Another one? But it will take ages to find the person who I can connect with on the same wavelength. I do have a story to share with the world, so maybe I want to write and be published. But it's a self-effacing motivation. It is also materialistic. To live for my family? But my family doesn't exactly resemble a 'family' per se; and there are things that I'd rather not even think about - that have put me off.
In an atheist's world, it doesn't make sense to commit suicide because you waste the one life you have to live. In monotheistic religions, it doesn't make sense to commit suicide because you reject what God has given you, hence taking you straight to hell. My question is directed at the atheist who is a massive failure, and his life has been a series of misfortunes - one after the other: isn't killing yourself a short cut out of this world?
People argue if committing suicide is bravery or cowardliness. I think it's a little of both. But to me it's still not the right answer. So go ahead, and call me Confucious from now on.
Labels: Life
It is JUST three months for people who are in love. You guys weren't.
But she said she loved me?
Does she act like it?
No. But.
My version of Chocolate Brownie flavoured ice cream - Tiger biscuits for $1.25. I don't think I've ever reached this low point before. Not here at least. Friends. Money. School. Family. Her. And her.
When did love get separated from romance and converge with relationship? But it was me who always said that love comes out of a relationship. So I must have been mistaken.
When did insecurity divorce a person to be with material things? But it was me who always said material things were immaterial. So I must have been mistaken.
At least I was right about one thing all along though. All misunderstandings occur because of lack of communication or miscommunication. You never clarified yourself. You can't say sorry without understanding what you did. It's not an honest apology.
Then you said goodbye without saying goodbye...
Sometimes your woman can make guy friends who you just don't like. It's wise for them to stay away from them but they just don't get it. Like, it could be someone they recently met - someone they had no previous connection with (except for some vague one like they were in the same school or they kinda recognize each other from some place).
My problem is, I can't help it if you have already made a connection with someone before we met. But if you start making new, deeper and more intimate connections with other guys, then I'm sorry, I can't tolerate it. Because this is the person you're gonna go sobbing to if we break up or even have a fight, and this person will take full advantage of the situation - hell, he might as well be your next boyfriend.
The height of this problem would be if you throw away the cute little band that I gave you as a gift (and that too in front of me - and then ask me to empty the trash) - so what if it's not an expensive item - that is not the point of gifts - it's the emotional value. In contrast, if you have the emotional consciousness to store that blasted postcard he gave you, that chummy male friend of yours, then we have a problem. Because then, that means, you're not emotionally blind or cold-hearted. You are showing (and are capable of showing) warmth and love (affection?) for one person over the other (here it's some random dude over your boyfriend). And the fact that you do it so casually only makes it worse.
The complaint is simple - you don't show any love or affection towards me - so why should I be the one to end it - seeing that this is not working out? I am the one who is always showering you with love and affection. You're the one who is not in love, so you should be the one to end it.
And excuse me, but here's a simple idea if you don't know what to do with all the flowers I've given you - wait for them to dry, crush the flowers, throw the green parts, and then put them in that empty perfume bottle that you've got (the tiny one), and then keep it with you forever. Things like that build romance.
Labels: Love, Relationships, Second Priority, Trash
So if your girlfriend had a crush on someone when she was 13ish, and she's still friends with the guy, it's perfectly normal. Of course. Then if the guy takes like 10 of those annoying quizzes on Facebook and she comments on one of them, that is perfectly normal too. Fine. But what if the quiz is "What sexual position are you?", his result is "Doggy Style", and her comment is "Nice!"? What to make of such comments?
Well, what if you know for a fact that the doggy style is her favourite position? And what if the only traceable online communication they had with each other prior to this 'incident' was when she posted a link to how the Kenyan women were gonna sex starve their men, where he commented, "It's 7 days only, what?"
Of course, you might argue that those kind of interactions are perfectly normal for any boy-girl friendly-only relationship. But what if her family believes in the Hindu caste system and wants her to marry only within the caste? And what if this guy belonged to her caste and you didn't come anywhere near it?
What do you make of such a situation? Is there any cause for alarm? Or do you just ignore it, slap a smile on your face and be on your merry way?
On your merry own way out of the relationship, if you ask me! Slowly and steadily, you will be filtered out.
Yeah, you're right. Facebook makes your private life way too public.
Well, what if you know for a fact that the doggy style is her favourite position? And what if the only traceable online communication they had with each other prior to this 'incident' was when she posted a link to how the Kenyan women were gonna sex starve their men, where he commented, "It's 7 days only, what?"
Of course, you might argue that those kind of interactions are perfectly normal for any boy-girl friendly-only relationship. But what if her family believes in the Hindu caste system and wants her to marry only within the caste? And what if this guy belonged to her caste and you didn't come anywhere near it?
What do you make of such a situation? Is there any cause for alarm? Or do you just ignore it, slap a smile on your face and be on your merry way?
On your merry own way out of the relationship, if you ask me! Slowly and steadily, you will be filtered out.
Yeah, you're right. Facebook makes your private life way too public.
Labels: Complications, Facebook
