I've decided to change my name to Confucious. I feel it reflects the state I am in almost all the time - a state of confusion.
I'm confused about religion, family, love, friends, career, and studies, top-down. I don't know who to trust when I can't trust myself. Can you trust God without trusting yourself? Don't you have to believe in yourself before you can believe in other things, such as religion? Is it necessary to follow in your parents' footsteps? God may be all knowing, but how do you decide which side to take in any given conflict - He doesn't provide any answers. What are ethics and who has the right idea about them?
Life is confusion galore for me.
Recent news and events have made me numb. No, I'm not talking about world events, numbifying as they may be. I've lost respect for most of humanity. They're all treacherous, selfish and self-involved, caring as they may appear to be. Outward appearances deceive as usual. Like a friend said, at the end of the day, you come into this world alone and you go alone. So what's the rush? Why is everyone so eagerly chasing after life? Materialism doesn't appeal to me. I don't see the value in doing anything for yourself - there's more joy in doing things for others. But others don't think so.
I'm listening to Savage Garden these days. I remember listening to them 24/7 in 2001 while I prepared for my O level examinations. I found their songs highly inspiring after that fateful person introduced them to me. Now I look for the same inspiration I had then. What was my motivation then?
I can't think of one personal reason for my motivation then. Having failed Matric, and that too because my paper was swapped with someone who was willing to pay the Lahore Board to get a higher score, I was out to prove myself primarily to my stepfather, but also to the rest of the family that thought I was a failure. I wanted to prove that I was indeed intelligent and smart, and out to make something for myself in life. That I was not just gonna take over my father's/stepfather's business when I grew older. Little did I know then that you never do anything for yourself.
I was also motivated because of the immense freedom and independence I got at that age. The exposure that got me my street skills and my smoking habit. And then of course, I had the usual motivation - to get a degree or two, starting minting money, get a family, get laid, and have kids. With that one fateful person.
I remember fully believing in God then as well. I used to pray often - sometimes even saying prayers that were not mandatory. I used to fast every Ramadan without skipping a single day. Whenever I reached one of my lows, all I had to do was pick up a prayer mat and talk to God. It's been a while since I did that.
What is my motivation now? The fateful one likes another. I still believe in God, but not fully, to say the least - I am searching for the truth in this confused state-of-mind. I don't want to follow religion if it is just a brainwashing tool to have control over the masses. The family system has failed itself for me to have the desire to follow and base my life on it.
In fact, there is no system that makes sense to me now. The dual income model means leaving your kids' upbringing to the society you live in and the media. The housewife model means a relatively illiterate person mothering my kids, laying their future on the line (it also means not having a partner who will understand everything you say or care about). Single-parenting is a definite no-no for me as well. A Western style to me only means a possible divorce and dissection of children. An Islamic one means having to change a lot of things about myself that I am not keen for, at least at this point in time - but of course that depends on my partner.
So what am I living for? Certainly, I doubt the possibility of hell-fire or heaven. It doesn't make sense for people who are kinder than myself to go to hell just because they were born into another religion, which was not their own choice to begin with. Love? I don't think I need to mention that fateful one again. Another one? But it will take ages to find the person who I can connect with on the same wavelength. I do have a story to share with the world, so maybe I want to write and be published. But it's a self-effacing motivation. It is also materialistic. To live for my family? But my family doesn't exactly resemble a 'family' per se; and there are things that I'd rather not even think about - that have put me off.
In an atheist's world, it doesn't make sense to commit suicide because you waste the one life you have to live. In monotheistic religions, it doesn't make sense to commit suicide because you reject what God has given you, hence taking you straight to hell. My question is directed at the atheist who is a massive failure, and his life has been a series of misfortunes - one after the other: isn't killing yourself a short cut out of this world?
People argue if committing suicide is bravery or cowardliness. I think it's a little of both. But to me it's still not the right answer. So go ahead, and call me Confucious from now on.
I'm confused about religion, family, love, friends, career, and studies, top-down. I don't know who to trust when I can't trust myself. Can you trust God without trusting yourself? Don't you have to believe in yourself before you can believe in other things, such as religion? Is it necessary to follow in your parents' footsteps? God may be all knowing, but how do you decide which side to take in any given conflict - He doesn't provide any answers. What are ethics and who has the right idea about them?
Life is confusion galore for me.
Recent news and events have made me numb. No, I'm not talking about world events, numbifying as they may be. I've lost respect for most of humanity. They're all treacherous, selfish and self-involved, caring as they may appear to be. Outward appearances deceive as usual. Like a friend said, at the end of the day, you come into this world alone and you go alone. So what's the rush? Why is everyone so eagerly chasing after life? Materialism doesn't appeal to me. I don't see the value in doing anything for yourself - there's more joy in doing things for others. But others don't think so.
I'm listening to Savage Garden these days. I remember listening to them 24/7 in 2001 while I prepared for my O level examinations. I found their songs highly inspiring after that fateful person introduced them to me. Now I look for the same inspiration I had then. What was my motivation then?
I can't think of one personal reason for my motivation then. Having failed Matric, and that too because my paper was swapped with someone who was willing to pay the Lahore Board to get a higher score, I was out to prove myself primarily to my stepfather, but also to the rest of the family that thought I was a failure. I wanted to prove that I was indeed intelligent and smart, and out to make something for myself in life. That I was not just gonna take over my father's/stepfather's business when I grew older. Little did I know then that you never do anything for yourself.
I was also motivated because of the immense freedom and independence I got at that age. The exposure that got me my street skills and my smoking habit. And then of course, I had the usual motivation - to get a degree or two, starting minting money, get a family, get laid, and have kids. With that one fateful person.
I remember fully believing in God then as well. I used to pray often - sometimes even saying prayers that were not mandatory. I used to fast every Ramadan without skipping a single day. Whenever I reached one of my lows, all I had to do was pick up a prayer mat and talk to God. It's been a while since I did that.
What is my motivation now? The fateful one likes another. I still believe in God, but not fully, to say the least - I am searching for the truth in this confused state-of-mind. I don't want to follow religion if it is just a brainwashing tool to have control over the masses. The family system has failed itself for me to have the desire to follow and base my life on it.
In fact, there is no system that makes sense to me now. The dual income model means leaving your kids' upbringing to the society you live in and the media. The housewife model means a relatively illiterate person mothering my kids, laying their future on the line (it also means not having a partner who will understand everything you say or care about). Single-parenting is a definite no-no for me as well. A Western style to me only means a possible divorce and dissection of children. An Islamic one means having to change a lot of things about myself that I am not keen for, at least at this point in time - but of course that depends on my partner.
So what am I living for? Certainly, I doubt the possibility of hell-fire or heaven. It doesn't make sense for people who are kinder than myself to go to hell just because they were born into another religion, which was not their own choice to begin with. Love? I don't think I need to mention that fateful one again. Another one? But it will take ages to find the person who I can connect with on the same wavelength. I do have a story to share with the world, so maybe I want to write and be published. But it's a self-effacing motivation. It is also materialistic. To live for my family? But my family doesn't exactly resemble a 'family' per se; and there are things that I'd rather not even think about - that have put me off.
In an atheist's world, it doesn't make sense to commit suicide because you waste the one life you have to live. In monotheistic religions, it doesn't make sense to commit suicide because you reject what God has given you, hence taking you straight to hell. My question is directed at the atheist who is a massive failure, and his life has been a series of misfortunes - one after the other: isn't killing yourself a short cut out of this world?
People argue if committing suicide is bravery or cowardliness. I think it's a little of both. But to me it's still not the right answer. So go ahead, and call me Confucious from now on.
Labels: Life
