I'm stuck.
I'm stuck in this limbo land now where everything and nothing make sense. Where rationality and idealism merge and diverge at the same time. Where life holds meaning and becomes senseless. Where oblique is parallel and delusions create multiple paradoxes.
After reading Mellumoley's "emo" blog posts early in the morning today, a Wednesday (which my kid sisters would point out is pronounced "when's day") began. But it feels more like a Monday to me - with the gloomy and "emo" thoughts running through my head.
The mother and kid sisters who arrived two-days-short-of-a-month ago would have left the island in another two hours. They brought amazing memories with them and gave me new ones that I shall cherish for a long time. The best parts in these fun-filled yet hectic (because I was interning 9-6) days were those deep and meaningful conversations I got to have with each and everyone. And of course, the snorkeling at Tioman!
The first one was with the mother. From midnight till dawn we discussed relationships, life, marriage, religion and personal beliefs and motivations. Somehow I was able to convey to her who I was, what I was set to become, how I wanted to live my life and how I don't need to put up a pretentious display of what I am to anyone. I also took this chance to explain to her how I needed her to understand why that fateful one meant so much to me and why it had been a rough ride letting her go, in order for her to understand me. I told her about the things I learnt from the other one, and how pre-marital relationships are meaningless without the sanctity of marriage. I discussed a lot of things. And I told her how I will always place my family's happiness over mine, and that it would remain my priority - even if that meant never marrying - since there is no woman out there who is cut-out for me - in any aspect (except the fateful one).
Then she left for Los Angelos and I got to spend every evening with my kid sisters, who had obviously grown in these two years I hadn't seen them. They have lived a somewhat confused life and I share their confusion - being stuck in the middle - not knowing if stepping on one side will be an aggressive move towards the other. The heart-to-heart with them was indeed earnest and heartfelt. Most of all, I hope they will find a confidant in me as they go through teenhood - the most troubled phase in everyone's life.
Meanwhile, the other one - the confused one - the confusing one - she talks of "friends with benefits" and relationships that don't end in marriage. I named them "short-term relationships" - assorting them somewhere close to one-night stands. Here, she speaks to a person who has trouble accepting the idea of pre-marital relationships because he thinks they're pointless in the first place and self-sabotaging by their very nature. (When you accept something as a 'trial', you can either treat it as the real thing, or you can treat it as something that is just temporary - in the latter case you hardly ever take it seriously. If you treat it as the real thing, there has to be at least a possibility where the temporary thing could become the real thing; otherwise it is completely pointless. And ridiculous.)
There was no possibility with the fateful one without consideration for elopement. That is why it ended so abruptly. The mother had made her refusal for acceptance sparkling clear, and the only possibility existed in fleeing as a possibility. The possibility for a possibility was the only factor that could eradicate the pointlessness. Upon her return from Los Angelos, however, the mother had a renewed mind. She was ready to accept. For my happiness, she said.
That changes everything.
But the fateful one still holds a grudge against the existence of the other one. She still avoids talking about 'us'. And the fateful one has painfully decided to move on it seems, asking "maybe it's best to just wait and see".
My argument: We're meant to lose the people we love. How else are we supposed to know how important they are?
And she has also developed a new trait: making demands. Now this becomes more like a business transaction.
I lost you; I lost myself. I tried to replace you; I replaced myself. I don't know who I am, where I am and what I'm doing any more. Save me; save yourself?
We need to have a long conversation. But I'm broke and you have no credit. O' atm! Thou art a heartless bitch.
I'm stuck in this limbo land now where everything and nothing make sense. Where rationality and idealism merge and diverge at the same time. Where life holds meaning and becomes senseless. Where oblique is parallel and delusions create multiple paradoxes.
After reading Mellumoley's "emo" blog posts early in the morning today, a Wednesday (which my kid sisters would point out is pronounced "when's day") began. But it feels more like a Monday to me - with the gloomy and "emo" thoughts running through my head.
The mother and kid sisters who arrived two-days-short-of-a-month ago would have left the island in another two hours. They brought amazing memories with them and gave me new ones that I shall cherish for a long time. The best parts in these fun-filled yet hectic (because I was interning 9-6) days were those deep and meaningful conversations I got to have with each and everyone. And of course, the snorkeling at Tioman!
The first one was with the mother. From midnight till dawn we discussed relationships, life, marriage, religion and personal beliefs and motivations. Somehow I was able to convey to her who I was, what I was set to become, how I wanted to live my life and how I don't need to put up a pretentious display of what I am to anyone. I also took this chance to explain to her how I needed her to understand why that fateful one meant so much to me and why it had been a rough ride letting her go, in order for her to understand me. I told her about the things I learnt from the other one, and how pre-marital relationships are meaningless without the sanctity of marriage. I discussed a lot of things. And I told her how I will always place my family's happiness over mine, and that it would remain my priority - even if that meant never marrying - since there is no woman out there who is cut-out for me - in any aspect (except the fateful one).
Then she left for Los Angelos and I got to spend every evening with my kid sisters, who had obviously grown in these two years I hadn't seen them. They have lived a somewhat confused life and I share their confusion - being stuck in the middle - not knowing if stepping on one side will be an aggressive move towards the other. The heart-to-heart with them was indeed earnest and heartfelt. Most of all, I hope they will find a confidant in me as they go through teenhood - the most troubled phase in everyone's life.
Meanwhile, the other one - the confused one - the confusing one - she talks of "friends with benefits" and relationships that don't end in marriage. I named them "short-term relationships" - assorting them somewhere close to one-night stands. Here, she speaks to a person who has trouble accepting the idea of pre-marital relationships because he thinks they're pointless in the first place and self-sabotaging by their very nature. (When you accept something as a 'trial', you can either treat it as the real thing, or you can treat it as something that is just temporary - in the latter case you hardly ever take it seriously. If you treat it as the real thing, there has to be at least a possibility where the temporary thing could become the real thing; otherwise it is completely pointless. And ridiculous.)
There was no possibility with the fateful one without consideration for elopement. That is why it ended so abruptly. The mother had made her refusal for acceptance sparkling clear, and the only possibility existed in fleeing as a possibility. The possibility for a possibility was the only factor that could eradicate the pointlessness. Upon her return from Los Angelos, however, the mother had a renewed mind. She was ready to accept. For my happiness, she said.
That changes everything.
But the fateful one still holds a grudge against the existence of the other one. She still avoids talking about 'us'. And the fateful one has painfully decided to move on it seems, asking "maybe it's best to just wait and see".
My argument: We're meant to lose the people we love. How else are we supposed to know how important they are?
And she has also developed a new trait: making demands. Now this becomes more like a business transaction.
I lost you; I lost myself. I tried to replace you; I replaced myself. I don't know who I am, where I am and what I'm doing any more. Save me; save yourself?
We need to have a long conversation. But I'm broke and you have no credit. O' atm! Thou art a heartless bitch.
Labels: Complications, Rants
